


Interview with the Not-Vampire

by purglepurglepurgle



Category: Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: 'journalism', Comedy, Gen, Journalism, backstory recap, empathy... of a sort, have not read the book referenced in the title, just know the author's reputation re: fanfic, silliness, slight angst, so I think it's pretty funny to reference it on a fanfic archive, that's a problem like p vs np, well idk how you write a vincent story without some measure of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 10:29:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21336760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purglepurglepurgle/pseuds/purglepurglepurgle
Summary: "Hm, Yuffie," says Vincent, one afternoon. "There's a letter here for you: the Kalm Gazette-- you mentioned you wished to interview everyone in AVALANCHE?" Vincent has purposely avoided reminding her of this.I kept trying to write serious Vincent fic, but it just wasn't happening.
Relationships: Yuffie Kisaragi & Vincent Valentine
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Interview with the Not-Vampire

**Author's Note:**

> Well, despite some 3 failed attempts, I did draft a more serious thing, but it was all dream-whatever and a) dreams are more fun to think about than to read about, and b) I just posted a bunch of hallucination-whatever, which is closely related to dream-whatever in the official taxonomy for such things, so I'd rather vary it a bit. So instead, you get this. :P

"Hm, Yuffie," says Vincent, one afternoon. "There's a letter here for you: the Kalm Gazette-- you mentioned you wished to interview everyone in AVALANCHE?" Vincent has purposely avoided reminding her of this, but he is not the sort to stand between a lady and her correspondence, however deeply it may pain him. Yuffie has a regular news column, these days, 'The Princess Diaries', and whenever anyone in the party annoys her, an embittered rant is sure to bubble up in the Kalm Gazette the next week. Vincent's fairly sure nobody actually _reads_ her column (well, perhaps just Reeve); the way she uses language suggests a pioneering attitude toward both syntax and semantics, and he suspects the paper only stays afloat because it’s bankrolled by Godo, but all the same, all AVALANCHE's dirty laundry on display like that, it's... undignified. So, like the others, he tries his best to ignore it. But there are times he has to acknowledge the thing. "Apparently they never received the article?"

"Ohhhhh yeah! I need to post that off! Thanks!" Yuffie grins, and rifles through her bag. Vincent hears paper crackling.

"I don't recall being interviewed." Vincent lingers at the edge of the room. It's petty to feel left out; he doesn't _want_ to be featured, and he's never in the main party, but...

Yuffie snorts. "Yeah, I didn't talk to anyone in the end. I couldn't be bothered to sort it out, so I just made stuff up. Don’t worry, you’re in it!"

"What?" says Vincent. "What did you write about me?"

"Gimme a sec..." Yuffie pulls some crumpled papers out of her bag; they catch on the zip and tear. She doesn't seem to notice. "Here we are. Okay, so... _My oh-so-tragic past, by Mr. Vincent Valentine, Age 27, sort-of._"

"Sort of..." says Vincent.

Yuffie continues, reading aloud. "_So, I get in a fight and I wake up, and I'm locked in this basement, and I'm like WTF because 1) I am locked in a basement and 2) someone else locked me in the basement, and WHO DOES THAT?????????_

_"So yeah this is because I had a fight with this guy, Hojo-- and can I just say that the way** I** was raised, if you have a fight with someone, then maybe you just, like, don't pass them the salt at dinner, or you use the last bit of toilet roll and don't replace it, or you change their ringtone to the chicken dance, or something. And it is a BIT OF A LEAP from that to 'SHOOT THEM IN THE CHEST AND LOCK THEM IN YOUR MAD SCIENTIST DUNGEON FOR ALL TIME'._

_"But that's Hojo, so what can ya do?_

_"Anyway so I wake up and I'm like 'wtfffffff' because oh yeah did I mention he CUT OFF MY ARM? Yeah well he did that. And he replaced it with some metal claw arm freakiness because it's his kink I guess?"_

"Yuffie--"

_"So I go over to the door and it is like totally locked because of course it is, and I bash it a bit, but no dice, so then I pace around a bunch, and I find out I can turn into a monster (but, like, whatever, at this point, you know?), and I'm like 'I guess I just sleep then' because there is NOTHING else to do, because did I mention boring-boring-boring basement? Sooooo I sleep a bunch and some days pass and after a bit I'm like 'wait, shouldn't I be dead?' because I haven't eaten or had anything to drink. And, like, I used to work as this assassin kidnappy guy and I know exactly how long a dude can go without food or water, and it is WAY LESS TIME than I've been chilling in this basement. So then I'm like 'oh hey maybe I'm dead?' But my arm WRECKS. So I figure I'm not dead. So that's something."_ Yuffie smiles at him. "And that's that! Whaddya think?"

"To be honest, the realisation that I was not dead was not, in fact, a happy one." Vincent shrugs. "But the rest of it was accurate. Feel free to put my name on it."

**Author's Note:**

> unrelated to anything but while rereading the OG script, i noticed vincent calls lucrecia a lady, repeatedly, and im sorry that's too weird


End file.
